This is not a regular blog post. This is a dictionary to be used to understand the new Doublespeak. All words and definitions in this dictionary have been discovered in use.
a punk rock band: Pussy Riot for those with editors.
action: Blowing people up. Archaic: a physical fitness program
active theatres: Places being bombed.
affluenza: Successful criminal defence against prosecution on the grounds that your parents are rich. (US)
aggressive interrogation methods: Torture.
alien unprivileged enemy belligerent: A person who is not a US citizen.
al Qaeda: Adjective used to turn any career into a war crime, ie. taxi-driver = al Qaeda courier, journalist = al Qaeda propagandist, child = al Qaeda royalty. Former term: communist.
an act of asymmetric warfare waged against us: Suicide by Guantanamo detainee (US)
assets: Informants and traitors.
axis of evil: Countries that are going to be hard to conquer, but are first on the list.
axis of hate and terror: Countries the US hates and is terrified of.
backscatter or body imaging x-ray machines: Pornoscope.
bad guys: We can torture, murder, indefinitely detain them. Laws don’t apply because they are bad guys.
behavior detection officers: Stalkers.
belligerent Arab: All Arabs. Reason genocide is permissible. But see non-belligerent Arab for theoretical others. (Israeli)
biased: Critical of the US.
beyond the axis of evil: Countries that are really annoying and will be bombed when the US has a minute.
bringing home US troops: Leaving private contractors.
Canada: The resource corporation formerly known as the Hudson’s Bay Co. Currently a subsidiary of Power Corp.
cannot store, export, print or transmit images: Able to store, export, print or transmit images.
causing terrorism, pandemic diseases and nuclear proliferation: Releasing state department cables.
checkpoint: Black hole where no human rights exist.
child porn: An excuse to invade / occupy / control the internet.
child soldiers: Acceptable if they played a crucial role in global counter-terrorism efforts:
choose not to have the right of choice: Negotiate with Israel.
CIA: Great job, travel the world, meet interesting people, kill them …
coalition of the willing: Coalition of the billing.
collateral damage: Dead people not from the US.
communist: Obsolete. See al Qaeda.
conditioning techniques: Torture. Archaic: part of a physical fitness program
contingency location: US military base in Africa.
cooperative security location: US military base in Africa.
corruption: Something most Nigerians think is going on in their government when it is actually mere stealing.
counter: The rhetorical equivalent of leading zeros.
counter-cyber: See cyber security.
cowboy: Criminal too rich or powerful to arrest. (US)
cyber security: Cyber attacks by the NSA.
dangerous on a strategic scale: Exercising free speech.
detained in his absence: Media smeared without talking to him.
diplomacy in action: Secret government deals, once they are no longer secret.
diplomatic brief: Must contain credit card numbers, email addresses, phone, fax and pager numbers, frequent-flyer account numbers, iris scans, fingerprints and DNA, current technical specifications, physical layout and planned upgrades to telecommunications infrastructure and information systems, networks and technologies used by top officials and their support staff, as well as details on private networks used for official comunication, to include upgrades, security measures, passwords, personal encryption keys and virtual private network versions used. Necessary to discuss policy.
diplomatic dwarf: Brazilian. (Israeli)
direct action: Killing people.
disarmament: Excuse for war (and increased weapons sales).
drugs: An excuse to invade / occupy / control American countries.
egotistical goat: NSA attack. The empire is ruled by 12 year olds.
egotistical giraffe: NSA attack. The empire is ruled by 12 year olds.
endanger the peace process: (1) Publish the truth. (2) Prosecute war crimes.
endanger the troops: Publish the truth.
enhanced coercive interrogation technique: Torture.
enhanced patdown: Pre-flight fondling and groping, drinks not included.
escalation: 227 Palestinians murdered in Gaza.
escalation of force: Immediate death with no warning.
exigent circumstances: Excuse to seize private property without a warrant or reason – used in harass and detain.
expeditionary warfare: Empire expansion.
extrajudicial assassination: Murder.
extraordinary rendition: Abduction, usually followed by torture.
extreme psychological stress: Torture.
find, fix and finish: Murder.
foreign nationals: Bad guys.
forward operating site: US military base in Africa.
freedom: Free dumb. Also just another word for nothing left to lose.
freedom of the press: The US constitution guarantees the right of its media corporations to invade other countries and support coups, incite civil wars and promote the interests of its corporations. Freedom of speech by the people, the right most of the world agreed to, is suppressed by disinformation and noise from the free press.
good guys: May torture, murder, indefinitely detain people. Laws don’t apply because they are good guys.
government: The highly ineffectual complaints department of the corporation you live under.
government actors: Can legally kill people, are not unprivileged combatants even if unidentified and using remote weapons like drones. (US only, duh)
harass and detain: Appropriate response to people the government does not like but has no legal case against.
highly trained security agent: High school dropout.
homeland security: Reason for starting wars in Africa and the middle east.
honour the troops: Keep fighting.
hostiles: People not from the US.
housing bubble: A system designed by banks and governments where people would borrow ever increasing amounts for their homes until they could afford no more, at which point the people would be evicted from their homes and the government would pay the banks money from the people’s taxes instead. A very good joke since the banks did not actually have the money they loaned anyway.
inflection point: Points at which wars are announced as ending/having ended after it becomes apparent that they did not.
information terrorism: Free speech.
instability: What would happen if people stopped having bombs dropped on their heads.
intermediate milestones: Points at which wars are announced as ending/having ended after it becomes apparent that they did not.
innocent civilians: Informants and traitors.
innocent lives: Lives of people from the US. Also informants and traitors.
insurgents: People not from the US. Also, boy over 9 years old.
internet provocateur: ‘Whistleblower website’ after pentagon renaming initiative.
iris scans, fingerprints and DNA: Necessary for diplomatic communication.
Israeli-Palestinian violence: 227 Palestinians murdered in Gaza.
Jean-Luc Picard: Gen Keith Alexander, NSA chief.
job: Occupation which enriches the powerful and enables capitalism.
joint priority effects list: Hit List.
justice: Just is.
kill list: Way to keep track of all the people you should be trying to kill when you blow things up, but accidents happen. See looking forward.
land of the free: Country with the highest documented incarceration rate in the world.
lasting peace and security: Occupation.
laws of war: The US, which does not obey any of the laws of war created by international organizations and international law, has created their own laws of war. The US laws are to be obeyed only by people who are not from the US.
leader of the free world: Head of an international network of prisons and torture camps.
looking for terrorists: Cyber attacks by the NSA.
looking forward: Refusing to prosecute illegal behaviour because it was in the past (Obama). Explains a lot about preventive detainment.
massacre: 3 US citizens killed.
media polls: Used in Canada to decide citizenship and human rights entitlement.
medic: US commando if they are killed in battle.
men with guns: The solution to bringing peace to the world. Hasn’t worked yet because there aren’t enough of them and they need bigger guns.
mercs: Sometimes used to describe people from the US, sometimes a short form of mercenary army. Interchangeable for most of the world.
message force multipliers: Generals delivering the
military analyst: Generals delivering the
murder in violation of the law of war: A child killing a professional killer from the US.
national human intelligence collection directive: Spying directives for diplomats.
national security: An excuse to invade / occupy / control the US. (US)
negate their capacity in the battlefield: Assassinate in bed.
non-belligerent Arab: Person who must be relocated from the place they are a citizen of to somewhere unspecified. The problem this poses is only theoretical, see belligerent Arab. (Israeli)
normal torture: The kind that is legal in US prisons.
not a journalist: We can kill them.
not a US citizen: We can kill them.
NSA files: Files of journalists’ emotions about their job and each other. Feeds a daily column in most international news outlets.
opened our aperture: Allowed children of all ages to be legitimate targets.
one of the very core powers of the president as commander in chief: Murdering US citizens without a trial.
onionbreath: NSA attack on Tor. The empire is ruled by 12 year olds.
our on-going diplomatic activity: Wars.
our troops: Blackwater.
our way of life: World domination.
outposts of tyranny: Countries being tyrannized by the US.
peacekeepers with aggressive mandate: Soldiers. Also, warmakers.
piracy: An excuse to invade / occupy / control personal communication.
played a crucial role in global counter-terrorism efforts: fought on the same side as the US.
power vacuum: What is created when the US is not in power. Leads to instability.
preventive detainment: Kidnapping and holding someone without trial, for something they may do in the future. See looking forward.
prosecution to include discovery practice: Torture.
public propagandist without portfolio: Me.
radicals, idealists, realists and opportunists: activists, according to Stratfor.
reasonable expectation of privacy: In the US, if you do not expect privacy, you are not entitled to it, ie. no reasonable person expects privacy in a US airport, so it is no longer a right.
reassess our posture towards them next year: Response to use of child soldiers by allies.
rogue nations: Sovereign countries that disobey the president of the US.
saving lives: Killing people.
search and seizure: random theft of goods by authorities, protected against by the US constitution unless you fly.
security contractors: Professional criminals.
self immolation: Setting oneself on fire while outside the US borders.
serious organized crime: One man with a broken condom.
serious torture: The kind that is not legal even in US prisons.
sexy: prosecuting a tortured child in a kangaroo court on a trumped up charge that allowed the death penalty.
sick, un-American espionage efforts: Journalism.
soften up: Torture.
special methods of questioning: Torture.
single most potent tool we have in protecting America and foiling terrorist attacks: Torture.
Stipulation of Fact: Fictional work prepared by US military and signed by torture victims.
stress position: Torture.
strike: Blow people up.
student loans: Indentured servitude.
suicide: Something you should be prepared to kill yourself to avoid. (Nigerian – ok just PJ.)
support the troops: Increase military spending.
sustained diplomacy: Occupation.
targeted counter-terrorism missions: Wars.
telegenically dead: Murdered by Israel. Any reporting will be considered terrorist propaganda.
terrorism: An excuse to invade / occupy / control Middle Eastern countries.
the five eyes:
The Illuminati. The UK, US, Canada, Australia and New Zealand who share intelligence about the entire world in their quest for world domination. Not to be confused with the Illuminati.
The Truman Show: Documentary about Canada.
theatre: Place where wars are staged. Exactly what it sounds like.
themes and messages: Propaganda
thing that has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war: Death.
threats to our way of life: Countries fighting back.
time for reflection, not retribution: Time when CIA ought to be prosecuted for torture, etc.
tools necessary to protect the American people: Torture.
tools needed to continue to fight the war on terror and bring these evil people to justice: Torture.
training mission: War.
treason: The act of helping an enemy of the US, by anyone, including foreign enemies of the US.
un-American: Rogue Swedish Australians.
unknown unknowns: Excuse for war.
unlawful enemy combatant: Flexible term used to apply the following law:
US special forces and anyone Obama says is a ‘government actor’ can legally kill children.
It is a war crime for children to kill US Special Forces.
unreliable: countries which let the law stop them from killing / torturing / abducting people.
unspecified global threat: excuse to drone Yemen.
US defense: US Empire.
US interests: World assets, comprising natural resources and industries.
war: murder of helpless civilians in Gaza.
war crime: 2006: It is ok for US soldiers to kill children, but it is a war crime for children to kill US special forces commandos.
2013: It is a war crime to return aggressive force on members of an invading army if the UN has assigned them blue helmets.
work: Creating wealth for the wealthy.
Xe: Ze Evil Blackwater Dudes