This is not a regular blog post. This is a dictionary to be used to understand the new Doubletalk. I will update it whenever I have time. Suggestions welcomed. Read the comments!
active theatres: Places being bombed.
aggressive interrogation methods: Torture.
airport security: Gate rape.
alien unprivileged enemy belligerent: A person who is not a US citizen.
al Qaeda: Adjective used to turn any career into a war crime, ie. taxi-driver = al Qaeda courier, journalist = al Qaeda propagandist, child = al Qaeda royalty. Former term: communist.
American defense: American Empire.
American interests: World assets, comprising natural resources and industries.
assets: Informants and traitors.
axis of evil: Countries that are going to be hard to conquer, but are first on the list.
axis of hate and terror: Countries the US hates and is terrified of.
backscatter or body imaging x-ray machines: Pornoscope.
behavior detection officers: Stalkers.
biased: Critical of the US.
beyond the axis of evil: Countries that are really annoying and will be bombed when the US has a minute.
cannot store, export, print or transmit images: Able to store, export, print or transmit images.
causing terrorism, pandemic diseases and nuclear proliferation: Releasing state department cables.
checkpoint: Black hole where no human rights exist.
child porn: An excuse to invade / occupy / control the internet.
choose not to have the right of choice: Negotiate with Israel.
CIA: Great job, travel the world, meet interesting people, kill them …
coalition of the willing: Coalition of the billing.
collateral damage: Dead people not from the US.
communist: Obsolete. See al Qaeda.
detained in his absence: Media smeared without talking to him.
diplomacy in action: Secret government deals, once they are no longer secret.
diplomatic brief: Must contain credit card numbers, email addresses, phone, fax and pager numbers, frequent-flyer account numbers, iris scans, fingerprints and DNA, current technical specifications, physical layout and planned upgrades to telecommunications infrastructure and information systems, networks and technologies used by top officials and their support staff, as well as details on private networks used for official comunication, to include upgrades, security measures, passwords, personal encryption keys and virtual private network versions used. Necessary to discuss policy.
direct action: Killing people.
drugs: An excuse to invade / occupy / control American countries.
endanger the peace process: (1) Publish the truth. (2) Prosecute war crimes.
endanger the troops: Publish the truth.
enhanced coercive interrogation technique: Torture.
enhanced patdown: Pre-flight fondling and groping, drinks not included.
escalation of force: Immediate death with no warning.
exigent circumstances: Excuse to seize private property without a warrant or reason – used in harass and detain.
expeditionary warfare: Empire expansion.
extrajudicial assassination: Murder.
extraordinary rendition: Abduction, usually followed by torture.
extreme psychological stress: Torture.
find, fix and finish: Murder.
foreign nationals: Bad guys.
freedom: Free dumb. Also ‘just another word for nothing left to lose’.
harass and detain: Appropriate response to people the government does not like but has no legal case against.
highly trained security agent: High school dropout.
homeland security: Reason for starting wars in Africa and the middle east.
honour the troops: Keep fighting.
hostiles: People not from the US.
housing bubble: A system designed by banks and governments where people would borrow ever increasing amounts for their homes until they could afford no more, at which point the people would be evicted from their homes and the government would pay the banks money from the people’s taxes instead. A very good joke since the banks did not actually have the money they loaned anyway.
inflection point: Points at which wars are announced as ending/having ended after it becomes apparent that they did not.
information terrorism: Free speech.
instability: What would happen if people stopped having bombs dropped on their heads.
intermediate milestones: Points at which wars are announced as ending/having ended after it becomes apparent that they did not.
innocent civilians: Informants and traitors.
innocent lives: Lives of people from the US. Also informants and traitors.
insurgents: People not from the US. Also, boy over 9 years old.
internet provocateur: ‘Whistleblower website’ after pentagon renaming initiative.
iris scans, fingerprints and DNA: Necessary for diplomatic communication.
joint priority effects list: Hit List.
justice: Just is.
land of the free: Country with the highest documented incarceration rate in the world.
lasting peace and security: Occupation.
laws of war: The US, which does not obey any of the laws of war created by international organizations and international law, has created their ownlaws of war. The US laws are to be obeyed only by people who are not from the US.
leader of the free world: Head of an international network of prisons and torture camps.
looking forward: Refusing to prosecute illegal behaviour because it was in the past (Obama). Explains a lot about preventive detainment.
maybe: No. (Swedish)
medic: US commando if they are killed in battle.
mercs: Sometimes used to describe people from the US, sometimes a short form of mercenary army. Interchangeable for most of the world.
message force multipliers: Generals delivering the
military analyst: Generals delivering the
molestation: Not returning phone calls. (Swedish)
murder in violation of the law of war: Killing a professional killer from the US.
national human intelligence collection directive: Spying directives for diplomats.
national security: An excuse to invade / occupy / control the US. (US)
no: No. (Swedish)
not a journalist: We can kill them.
not a US citizen: We can kill them.
one of the very core powers of the president as commander in chief: Murdering US citizens without a trial.
our on-going diplomatic activity: Wars.
our troops: Blackwater.
our way of life: World domination.
outposts of tyranny: Countries being tyrannized by the US.
piracy: An excuse to invade / occupy / control personal communication.
played a crucial role in global counter-terrorism efforts: fought on the same side as the US.
power vacuum: What is created when the US is not in power. Leads to instability.
preventive detainment: Kidnapping and holding someone without trial, for something they may do in the future. See looking forward.
prosecution to include discovery practice: Torture.
rape: have one night stands with two people in the same week.
reasonable expectation of privacy: In the US, if you do not expect privacy, you are not entitled to it, ie. no reasonable person expects privacy in a US airport, so it is no longer a right.
reassess our posture towards them next year: Response to use of child soldiers by allies.
rogue nations: Sovereign countries that disobey the president of the US.
saving lives: Killing people.
search and seizure: random theft of goods by authorities, protected against by the US constitution unless you fly.
security contractors: Professional criminals.
serious organized crime: One man with a broken condom.
sexual fraud: This may need to be criminalized if people persist in having sex. (Swedish)
sick, un-American espionage efforts: Journalism.
special difficulties safeguarding their sexual integrity: We have no flipping idea. (Swedish)
special methods of questioning: Torture.
silence: No. (Swedish)
single most potent tool we have in protecting America and foiling terrorist attacks: Torture.
Stipulation of Fact: Fictional work prepared by US military and signed by torture victims.
stress position: Torture.
student loans: Indentured servitude.
support the troops: Increase military spending.
sustained diplomacy: Occupation.
Sweden: A complex and interesting society.
targeted counter-terrorism missions: Wars.
terrorism: An excuse to invade / occupy / control Middle Eastern countries.
That’s rape in Sweden: That’s what she said.
themes and messages: Propaganda
thing that has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war: Death.
threats to our way of life: Countries fighting back.
time for reflection, not retribution: Time when CIA ought to be prosecuted for torture, etc.
tools necessary to protect the American people: Torture.
tools needed to continue to fight the war on terror and bring these evil people to justice: Torture.
training mission: War.
treason: The act of helping an enemy of the US, by anyone, including foreign enemies of the US.
un-American: Rogue Swedish Australians.
unknown unknowns: Excuse for war.
unlawful coercion: Leaving your backpack at someone’s house for days, with their permission. (Swedish)
unreliable: countries which let the law stop them from killing / torturing / abducting people.
war crime: It is ok for US soldiers to kill children, but it is a war crime for children to kill US soldiers.
Xe: Ze Evil Blackwater Dudes
yes (verbal): No. (Swedish)
yes (written): Possible unlawful coercion. (Swedish)
We feel for government officials who have to keep making this stuff up. And we appreciate that we are just making their lives harder. So here is a new section where we can assist them in coming up with an endless supply of doublespeak. If you find any here that have actually been used already, let me know and I will move it.
rigorous physical auditing processes
protracted interrogatory nervous impulse management
full-body-active information mining.
full contact volition bypass measures
high yield human resource utilization practices.
total proximity intensive information retrieval mechanism
thorough personal force escalation policy
lively tactile unilateral cooperation exercise
dynamic invasive cognitive control strategies